Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
