its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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