She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can't put those talents on a resume
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
