i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
