my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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