this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
please come you make the beer taste better
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
