so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Are my feet made of real feet?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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