Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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