My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
