My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
