All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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