I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
