I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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