Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
