I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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