I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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