I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
