Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
don't judge my taste in strippers
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
