I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize