Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
