just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
