Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
