I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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