i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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