did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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