jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
