so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
