Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize