apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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