you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
