I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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