Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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