I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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