thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
