I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
