Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
