my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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