dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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