I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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