I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
