His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
