Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
