Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
