does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
