Soap is not a condiment
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
