If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
