Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize