The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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