genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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