Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
