So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
