i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
