When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
