Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
