I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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