i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
